June 17, 2005

Nitzana, Israel


kcdance015
Originally uploaded by sunshinekcb.

Nitzana, Israel


kcdance014
Originally uploaded by sunshinekcb.

April 15, 2005

If you want to know...

If you want to know
Exactly how I feel
And if you want to learn
The way to make me come

Then hold me tight and look in my eyes
And kiss me like the world will end tonight
Tell me how beautiful this love is for you
Stroke my body like it’s the last touch you’ll ever have

If you want to know me
With no doubt or fear
Just know my deepest love is joy
Just know my deepest love is joy

April 14, 2005


Israel 2004 Posted by Hello

April 11, 2005

A Near Full Moon Night

Tonight,
it is almost full moon,
and the lioness whispered a secret in my ear,
as I watched the sun give way in a last show of spectacular light
to the near full moon waiting patiently for the night.

She caressed me as usual with her lingering windy fingers,
brushing the hair from my cheek,
freeing my ear to hear her speak.

Her words, as usual, strong and light,
rose from my heart and in my mind gave sight
to a meaning, a thought, that captured all my attention,
And left me beaming a world’s smile from inside, full of affection
For myself, for my life, for the wind by my side.

So I find myself now writing to you, aching to share these words with pride
For in truth, they come from within, and I am blessed to share.
How sweet that in this sharing I find the meaning her words bear:

There is nothing more beautiful than beauty itself
For all form beauty takes happens here.
And the desire to share this beauty
Is the desire to live in the beauty of life itself,
For there is nothing more beautiful than the beauty of sharing
What is experienced as being beautiful.

It takes courage to dare to share the beauty that lives within.
There are approval hungry demons lurking around this corner and that corner,
trading trinkets of doubt for treasure coves of trust.
They often leave me shivering and scared in a corner,
wondering if I could ever live up to the beauty I’ve seen inside…
wondering if whatever it is I long to share,
whatever form it takes,
could possibly be good enough, grand enough, beautiful enough.

The inspiration turns into a struggle,
and I strangle the life of the beauty haunting me from within.

But tonight,
as the moon poured her rays of desert-shine into my pores,
the whisper of the lioness leaves me crying, laughing, silently praying.
For tonight, on this nearly full moon night,
I finally understand what she’s been roaring about for so long,
leaving me with nothing to show,
and everything to share.

February 17, 2005

Staying Still in New York City

amazing how I move through the
subway veins
coursing through this cave alive
crossing here and there

spots crawling - human heartbeats -
in a cave within,
words fly nowhere but between
ears close

eyes beam as I breath so near
another living soul
pretending we're not there
as others shove us closer
avoiding contact
until the foot trips
a shoe on a strap
fall forward
hand rests on a cold silver pole

I look up
into a dark wonderland of life
looking back at me

then they come,
running out of me, breath pushing,
heart pounding -
my one chance for a
subway connection

lips part and offer
a flower
painted in the sound of
"Oops! Sorry..."

February 10, 2005

Today I See

"I'm too beautiful to be nothing and no-one. Give me a mirror. Why would I deny my very self?"
- Byron Katie

Today I see. I see my quest to be No One, enlightened, free is a refusal to love who I already am. How beautiful I am. My fingers typing. What a miracle! My lungs breathing. And this incredible creation in the mirror. Even now, saying that, there is a burst of resistance within me. A denial. Something wanting to scream - either that it's not true. And so I do the Work:

I am not an incredible creation.
Is it true? NO.
How do I react when I think this thought?
I want to eat. I feel a jolt of energy or stress inside my abdomen. I tell myself not to think that thought. My shoulders feel tight. I feel numb, down, low.
Who would I be without that thought?
Feeling happy to be writing and expressing the beauty I feel inside myself. Relaxed. Energized. Inspired.
Turnaround:
I am an incredible creation. TRue! I smile:) I feel joy.
I am not an incredible creation in my thinking. True true. That's the only place, the only thing in all the world that denies my incredibility. I feel it drift away. I breath easy.

Today I finally understood a song by Dido. I had been misinterpreting the words for almost a year now...but this morning, I heard it as if for the first time, and I see what she means. And it speaks to me deeply. She sings (from Life for Rent):

"If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy / Well I deserve nothing more than I get / Cos nothing I have is truly mine / While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down / While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try / Well how can I say I'm alive"

I used to interpret this as a reminder that we own nothing and that our life really is just rented...that nothing I have is truly mine because it is all so impermanent. And yet today, I see that I have been afraid to truly OWN my life, that I have cruised - not that that is bad, for not all who wander are lost - but I have been afraid to commit, to OWN anything.

Since coming back to NYC, I have made some decisions about elements of my life that I want and don't want, and I have acted on them. I feel strong. I feel empowered. And I feel as though I am honoring the beauty inside that is so longing to express itself. I don't want to deny the beauty and the power within me anymore. I want to live by it, for it, through it.


December 21, 2004

Alone

Tiberias, Israel

I look at little kids and their parents, playing at the kiddy go-cart park, and I feel sad. I am jealous. I feel so sad.

I feel so alone.

Countless people, wandering around - seeing, breathing, living. Thoughts and stories bounding up down all around our minds.

Is the silence between all our thoughts the same? One person's silence - is it like mine? I want to crawl inside someone else and see what their version of living is like. I want to know if we share the same aloneness.

Then perhaps I won't feel alone anymore, if indeed we do, if we are the same in the spaces between the movements of our minds.

Then maybe I'll stop being scared of other people. Maybe I'll stop seeing them as apart, different, separate from me.

And then, maybe, I won't feel so lonely anymore.

And maybe, after all that, I'll stop running to find the perfect plug for this gaping hole inside me.

August 04, 2004

Hello Brooklyn

I am writing this now because it is a story that needs to be written, just like a song that needs to be sung. An urge from my heart flowing through to my hand, to the pen, to the paper. Giving life. Existence. Bringing out. Giving birth.

And it has moved into my stomach, and tears spring behind my eyes. Doubting I can ever tell it as beautiful as I have experienced it. Fearing failure to make this story's life on paper anywhere near it's actual existence, it's life as it has been lived through my eyes, my body, my mind, my heart. Is this the artist's greatest fear - the one great song or painting that has been so vividly lived in the artist's inner experience, longing with her whole heart to share it with others, but not knowing quite how? This is how I feel. How do I make my inner world come into this outer world? How to I ever begin to share its beauty?

Once there was darkness, and then Grace turned the lights on - so bright, so suddenly - it blinded me to the dream and woke me up to real life. A life where the body has become this enormous, complex mechanism of infinite creation. And the mind is this totally unknown wild movie, capable of great understandings and insanity, true insights, intuition, mystery and stupidity. Hate, fear and love.

And the breath. Oh God, the breath. The longest and the most tantalizing kisses that only I get to experience. From whom or where they come...this never ceases to slip me into a state of silent awe and reverence.

The heart. Truly, at times I sense my chest cavity might explode with the vibration, the growth there. I want to allow the explosion, to dive right into it, and when I do - every surrender is a freedom breaking over me in waves that gobble me up into her arms of nowhere and forever.

The thought comes that whatever I write must be accepted and bought by others. Stress creeps through my being, and Inquiry takes over.
Whatever I write must be accepted and bought by my thinking...ah. I see. That's what's really going on here. Understanding now.

Loneliness tonight. Alone. TV. Lying in bed in silence surrounded by bare white walls, bright overhead light in silence. Only myself to love tonight. And always. So it seems.

Only here I am alone and missing my lover of long ago, and feeling too ashamed of my skin to go meet up with friends. Feeling poor and lacking. Hot and craving something sweet. Picking on my body. Forcing feeling. Not giving myself Reiki, but picking on myself. Hurting myself. Why? Why? Why not?
I breathe. Still here.
My arm hurts.
I have nothing more to say now other than my pink painted toes look really pretty.

August 02, 2004

Life is not a concept.

Breathe.

July 22, 2004

And The Work Continues...

i have so much work to do.
a peaceful period, and then a trainwreck of a thought sends me on such a painful trip, and i'm at the beginning again, doing the work. i never get anywhere. but the spaces in between just keep getting richer and more lovely, and riding my breath is just such a gorgeous cruise. i feel like i'm licking chocolate right now as i breathe, only way more satisfying and nurishing.

just writing you, connecting with you in this right now, is so precious, and i am home. i am crying into a deeper peace. i used to think that there was some level i needed to get to in order to "be there" or "get it" , that peace had some acquisition point. and i can remember, if i try to, the stress of those thoughts - that i wasn't good enough. but now, there is no more goal. and all i know is that that previous stress is no longer a part of my experience. i'm just here, and i trust in that. it's enough. it's so beautiful.

central america gave me so many wonderful teachers and real life Work, always the lessons i need the most, and so perfect. hard lessons sometimes, and really playful ones, all beautiful. i see much more clearly the habits and highways the mind tends to ride, and i am also totally smashed again and again by some core beliefs. perhaps they are really my best friends, coming to take me home again and again, constant guides. i like that outlook. that makes greeting them so much easier. perhaps joyful. we'll see. some scare the shit out of me, and i am left standing, terrified of myself, with no one else in the world to go through it with. just me. thank the universe for inquiry. with The Work, there is always the key, and the door.

there is so much inside that is longing to express and i find myself writing a lot, and singing. and aching to write and sing more, like tears that just have to be cried in order to have more room, more space inside. writing now, i see this. i see. i'm still waiting to be perfect. and i'm riddled with shameful thoughts about my body. and i long so much to not have the thoughts anymore, as if i can control them. this is painful. and i feel insane when i get lost on these trips, because i am so far from my self. but it's only a thought that brings me back, and to realize i never left, i only thought i did, is just bizarre and hilarious!

i had an amazing teacher in guatemala. his name is viktor. he wanted to touch my face and give me love. i felt afraid and ashamed for him to touch my face, scared that it might make me break out, and ashamed for thinking such thoughts and having such feelings in the first place. totally censoring myself. so i let him touch my face but i felt so uncomfortable. i felt paralyzed and i didn't express my discomfort to him because i thought i should let him touch my face. well, he picked up on it and questioned me about it. to be honest with him, to tell the truth - that i was uncomfortable with him touching my face -brought up such intense shame because i thought i was wrong for being uncomfortable and because i believed my skin to be ugly. he said it was so apparent that i had made such peace with myself in many ways, but that by not expressing what i am uncomfortable with, i was not making peace with others. because then i would be wishing he wasn't touching my face when he did - and how was he to know otherwise if i didn't communicate my discomfort to him.

and BAM - it was like a rocket went off inside me. i realized how true this was, that i didn't respect myself enough to communicate honestly what i was uncomfortable with to others and thus ended up separating myself from them, making friction with them. and really all i was doing was separating myself from myself and creating friction in my own mind. i cried and cried and cried. i cried such pain and shame. and this sweet soul just held me and rocked me and loved me. since that time i have felt cleansed in many ways, and a renewed understanding of what it means to be true to myself, to be honest with myself, and thus with others.

i feel this is the beginning of a deeper understanding of love and acceptance. i feel like a baby, learning, starting again from the beginning. i think i know something, that i have gotten somewhere, that i have achieved something in the "spiritual realm" - and it turns out i don't and i haven't. i am left so humbled, and grateful for such beautiful teachings.

this has been a long sharing, and i am thankful i have a wonderful friend to share all of this with. i would love to hear about the unfolding of your journey. feel free to respond to the feedback link on this page.i am resting in such a beautiful presence now, hanging out with you in cyber space and inner space.

July 03, 2004

I have fallen in love

I have fallen in love
with This that breathes me
and blows my hair
and hugs my toes
when I walk
on Her

And when I look out the window
and see her singing in the trees
I feel Her voice
blowing through my throat
urging me to shout
and scream
and sing

For with Her
staring through your eyes
I see the Him
She is too
and all is well
and perfect
and new.

June 27, 2004

BEiNg

here you are
writing this pen
all the way
across the shore
miles and miles of distand lands

how do you love me
the way you do
with no kisses or words or hands?

just your heart
beating here in mine
stirring my blood
making me rise

to no where i can see or feel or know
just resting alone
in the skies
of your eyes.

June 10, 2004

Wax

i am the wax
drawing ever nearer the
fire
doing nothing
as i wait
for the fire to cover me

into the flames i rush
standing here
surrendering over and over
to her licks and tongues
hot, flashing
burning me down

to nothing but running
free
only to cool again
into a candle
for Her to burn.

May 31, 2004

Joy Toy

going going going gone
staying staying staying still
fell into your breath
and i pulse away
swinging swinging swinging sway

where are you taking me
is it anywhere i know
or think or dream
i'm scared, inside i scream
for you to hold me tight
and keep me safe

in this grand illusion,
i question faith

and so i smoke
and drift away
Mind's toys
Mind's play
to keep from wondering
will it all be okay

fly on the knee
and the hammock goes round
pen writes on waves crashing hum
and secadas scream their song

i breathe and i write
and i wonder at it all
how do i do all that i do
i'm not that capable
and i barely think straight

it's this thing that i can't see or explain
that pushes and pulls this breath out of me
and stirs this hand to write

it's all a sham
this thinking i think
this thing does that too
sends words and vibes

i'm just a toy
for Life's pleasure,
Life's joy.

May 27, 2004

House of Joy

It sleeps inside
waking to laugh
to cry
and play
I give her a name
Joy
Joyous Joyful Life

I thought it came from
a her
or a him
a smile received
a hug returned
an effort make right

And here I find
this Love of Life
dancing unseen
in the home
of my
heart,
born from bliss
living in Light.

Going Inside Out

God, make me into a crystal,
so I can see you everywhere,
receive you always
and give what I get
from you
to you

My heart is breaking
a song
in your name
heating behind my eyes
the burn
in my chest

I don't know how to fall
if I move at all
I'm going in

And yet I'm scared
to stay where I am
just now
and let the breath
cave me in

The light is burning brighter
burning off all my clothes
I'm too hot
not to strip
and burn myself in

Inside or out
the fire is burning on both sides
now

It's too late to stop this game -
You've done me in

May 17, 2004

And the waves cried, Come Home Come Home

All my life I've told the story
I'm not good enough, manifesting itself in different situations, different issues.
Loving something in me I cannot explain, I sought out to conquer those issues.
And with each one, in this undoing of the strive for perfection, there is still some
thing, some quality I long for. Some Way of Being...this dream of basking in love.
Something I almost remember, but not quite.

And as I undo, essentially, as I am being undone, the light shines brighter.
More and more, I am resting in Love's arms. And each time, deeper and deeper I swoon.

So then, what to do, but allow this undoing?

To dance each breath, and find myself being danced, being breathed.

What a mystery.

March 31, 2004

Hello Sweet One

Hello
Sweet One
how are you this
night
how i long
for your kiss
to seal
my heart tight
and explode
in my soul
everything that i know,
finally free
with nothing to show.

March 27, 2004

see only this

see only this,
and i am here.
be only now,
and i allow

my self to float away
to the only place i ever am -
here with you in me.

March 15, 2004

give me a line to walk upon

give me a line to walk upon, and
i will swim
flowing everywhichway
i am pulled
joyfully singing in
the ocean between borders
and beyond...

February 27, 2004

Hello!

Hello!
You are Love!
You are Free!
You are the Island,
and the Sea.
You are Thought
You are Space
You are
Glorious
Glorious
Grace.

February 22, 2004

my god, the fear is crippling me

my god, the fear is crippling me. the Mind is dancing

a marionette dance

the mind frenzied i am tense
as can be, my thighs
squeezing in on me

i feel like this day is shot

here she goes, again and again

when it comes to this
i fall any way i can
inside i breathe all the way in
and i find the groove
and i dance around

come on baby - where's your faith

i'm right here
learnin' how to fly.

i'm right here learnin' how to fly.

like a dragonfly
i'm lightin' up the sky.

February 14, 2004

Acceptance

how amazing and profound that simple practice of acceptance is. in my own life, i find that it is in acceptance that love dances. it is in acceptance that the space is created for true understanding, clear seeing and thus, transformation.

my intention in coming home to visit my family for a while was to practice this acceptance at its deepest levels, craving deep inside joyful, loving relationships with my family. i really do believe that it is with our families where our greatest and deepest Work can be done. and wow - my relationships with all my family members are just blossoming. it's so gorgeous. there is so much laughter, and real connection and creativity. by simply accepting them and myself and my habitual reactions to them and old patterns of being - not trying to change - merely seeing and allowing without reacting - the shift occurs. and there is love. so much love.

i never thought i could be happy here in dallas because of old memories, thinking that my parents do not understand me, all that stuff. but i feel such incredible peace in my life right now. the right place, the right relationship, the right job - those things can enhance life, but truly, it is the transformation of my mind meeting life with acceptance that makes life so fabulous. everything right now is as it should be, because, in fact, that is the way it is. meet everything that arises with acceptance, and the very truth of who i am - you are - we all are- shines through: the joy and love of God alive in each of us, always present, only ever covered over with the games the mind can play.

i had a job last spring in berkeley working for a spiritual activism group called tikkun. i was all hot and ready to fight the fight - to fight for peace. i soon realized that this path to peace was an illusion which emminated from a mind fighting with itself. the real quest for peace between all of us humans cannot be fought for. it must arise out of acceptance. and it doesn't start with the guy next door. it starts much closer to home. it starts with me. it starts with you. it starts in each of our own minds. it's no wonder there is so much strife and conflict in the world - most people are cruel to themselves with self judging and self effacing thoughts, often times more cruel than they would be to others.

we are eachother's mirrors - what goes on inside is reflected outside. so if we're judging ourselves, then we're judging our neighbors and vice versa. it's so simple. love your neighbor as yourself. read this carefully and we see that "neighbor" and "yourself" are equal in this beautiful commandment. if you want to love your neighbor, then you have to love yourself. and where does love spawn from? acceptance.

yes, just a simple shift in the mind's function and, with practice, we can cultivate the kind of acceptance God gives, which is the pathway forGod's love. Just as God loves us so unconditionally, so mercifully, so endlessly and infinitely - so we too can love ourselves the same way, and thus love our families, our friends and our fellow human beings.

i believe this is why we are here. to learn to love better, deeper, stronger and more fully. to learn to love God's way. every conflict, every pain, ounce of saddness, negative thought, hateful inclination is a gift - an opportunity to come Home to the truth of who we really are- Love. God's Love.

so every time i feel frustrated with my mom for something she said, or filled with pain because i want my dad to fully understand me and i sense he doesn't - i recognize in that moment that i have two choices: option one is to continue the story of frustration and pain which arises from wanting reality to be other than it is (my mom said what she said and my dad may or may not understand me - that's the reality of life at this current moment). or, option two, i can stop the story and see the frustration, the pain and the reality - just meet the whole shabang with acceptance. every time i choose option one, i experience continued frustration, pain and separation from my parents. every time i choose option two, love seeps into every alley way, knook and cranny. and i simply enjoy parents, my self and my life a heck of a lot more.

another powerful example in my life of this practice evolved two summers ago. for months, hateful, shameful thoughts were parading around my mind about the acne on my face. i felt paralyzed and filled with pain, and yet since i was at that time already becoming more of a witness to the impulses of the mind, i was also scared of myself, scared of my mind. and one day i realized that i was hating my mind. so, i made a deal with myself that every day i was going to get up in the morning and tell my mind "i love you, mind" and my body "i love you, body" and to my whole being "i love myself." initially this was very hard because there was so much resistance to this love. but after a few days, i started getting into it and i would sing these little affirmations to myself. i felt like a dork, but hey - i kind of enjoyed the tiny thrill i felt inside my body - like a zing or a squeal of "yes!" from somewhere deep inside me. about a year later, well...i guess the only way i can put it is that my life has gone from black and white to technicolor. i love every single minute of every day. and with that kind of love, wow - God's blessings flow so freely.

in loving myself, i am able to love others. the last line in the musical Les Miserables states "to love another person is the see the face of God." and we all know in our hearts what happens when we gaze upon the Divine...can't explain it in words, but we know. it's the deepest "coming Home", and it is a miracle, and yet it is always right here, right now. all we must do is choose to tap into it. and the only action required is acceptance. the rest unfolds naturally.

i find that acceptance is a practice that goes on and on. and with it my faith grows deeper and deeper. and i laugh more and more. and prayers are answered and miracles become the norm of my every day experience. the more we align our minds with God's mind, the closer we come to creating heaven on Earth. and anyone who says that just isn't possible or meant to be is probably having a bad day and forgetting the truest of truths: Life is a gift - not in a conceptual, philisophical way, but in a laugh your head off, walk barefoot in the grass and hug your lover kind of way.

it's just awesome. in the most true sense of the word - AWE SOME!totally filled with AWE all the time!! this Love... it just goes on forever. i have a picture i drew on a post-it note a couple weeks ago posted to my bulletin board by my door in my room. it's a figure of a woman falling with her hair flowing behind her and her arms trailing above her head into an abyss of stars and moons and deep, deep peace.

i call it "falling into forever", and lately, that's kind of how i feel.

February 11, 2004

falling into forever

i stand on the edge of myself, and
fall into forever

yes, when i sing
such fear
right here
the body shakes

so i go inside
and there i die
to hear the here of forever

January 27, 2004

Welcome Home

There is nothing I can tell you that you don't already know somewhere deep inside you. I'm just helping you to remember, as others have helped me.
Whatever it is that you are looking for, whatever answer or truth or love - it's right here, inside you.
All around you.
The only thing to do is fall. Just let go into that place where you feel you might fall off yourself. And fly.

You're flying into that mysterious world inside you where no one else but you can go. Into that ever-present essence you really are, before, after and beyond all thought, receiving and giving back all breath.

At first, journeying here may seem black, perhaps cold and cruel, because it is here that all thoughts and beliefs lie waiting to be acknowledged and understood. The happy ones, the mundane ones, and yes, the stressful and painful ones. These are the constructs of your reality. They happen. Make peace with them. With a lion's strength and determination, meet each one squarely in the face and compassionately ask if it is true for you. Really. Really and truly. Inquire into your mind. You can choose to live a life conditioned by unquestioned thoughts and beliefs running around your mind. This is a life of suffering. Or you can choose to be free. Free to respond to your mind, free to question the very core of who you think you are. This is the path of love. Love is ruthless in its caresses. It seeps in everywhere it is invited. Love is not only acceptance, but understanding. A thirst for Truth. Truth does not lie in the answers. It lies in the questioning, in the desire to come home to your center, the nameless, formless, timeless Truth of You.

The only thing that prevents you from living a life basking in love is an unquestioned mind.

Some people think that going inside yourself means cutting yourself off from the world. Yet, it is here, in the very essence of yourself, that you discover the deepest connection with other beings. For in discovering the precious, untouched gem that you really are, you begin to see this innocent, unique radience in others. You see with the Heart's Eye. This is a beautiful way of experiencing and connecting with others. This is connecting deeply with the heart, not just the mind. Reach into your soul's deep resevoirs, and you will swim with others there in the Heart's Playground.

Oh, the Heart. Your heart will always sing if you can just tenderly stroke her and ask her to come out and play. Perhaps she has been hurt and bruised. Ah - it is only the fear sitting on top of her. So, go sit in a chair and be with it. Fear is an energy. A happening inside you. Go all the way with it, follow that feeling, dive inside to its Source. This may come in fits and starts at first, but soon you'll see that, indeed, the only thing to fear is fear itself. Fear gives way to that which never dies - You. You are still here. You are always here. You cannot be otherwise. You are innocent, timeless and free.

Perhaps you are afraid of dying. Hold your breath for twenty or thirty seconds and experience what it feels like to start to die. This is not Death! This is unchained Living!

Perhaps you are afraid of the pain of dying. The next time you experience physical pain, follow it. Follow it to its Source. Feel that pain fully, deeply, willingly. Question your thoughts about pain. Can you really know that pain is bad? Is it true? Like fear, pain is energy. A happening. Explore the root of this powerful sensation. Pain and pleasure come from the same vein. There is tremendous bliss at the core. Allow yourself to fall into it, be taken by it.

Your only captor in life is yourself. And your only savior is you. How Divinely planned, this happening of separation and reunion.
So here you are. Here, flying into your Self, finding your wings now, floundering into a fly, a dip, a beautiful soar. Trusting better and deeper in the air that is always here to carry you - unseen and lacking in form, but as sure and steady and reliable as the sun that always warms you once the clouds have passed...which they always do.
Welcome Home.

January 04, 2004

Sitting Here

Sitting Here, letting the peace fall in
and out

where i am i go
with all the love and trust unbounded
in a time uncounted
never old or young
always lying in your arms
no name, no face, no mirror

just letting the breath
carry me
Home

December 27, 2003

infinity

infinity stretches out before me
like waves licking my body
inside
and out,
forever blowing me
from one
moment in life
to the next.

October 27, 2003

i am so divine!

i am so divine!
i laugh of my
divineness
and love loving
in her sexy swagger,
never knowing where
she'll lead me next to love and coming home,
infinitely falling
into her arms of
beautiful
endless
starry nights.

September 27, 2003

butterfly

A butterfly begins to flap its wings stronger now,
trusting
in the air that always carries her.
Opening her ears
to the guiding whispers of the Heart,
flying blissfully
in the space
between
everything.

June 01, 2003

Clarification, please

God
is something wrong with me?
Why do I long to show
what I know,
help share
what I've learned?
Why do I talk like I know
so much
when everytime I do, I'm humbled by my mumble,
for I learn something more about this
Life that I didn't know before?
What is it that I long to express?
What about you are
you trying to grow
through me,
propelling words out my mouth,
sending Love & Truth & Helpful Hints
along the way?
Why have you given me so much
and I am left sometimes unwilling to share with others?
Is it only in words that I can give?
Why am I afraid to touch, and let myself be touched,
when all I want is to draw the world into my arms?
Is there even really anything to heal, anything to teach?
All I'm learning is that I don't know a damn thing.
All I know is that I love it Here, pulsing in your alive Nothingness,
so long as I'm not on some trip into insanity.
How do I teach this beautiful Nothing with something as my only tool?

February 11, 2003

An Email to my BEiNg, 2/4/03

hey babe,
wow. i'm having this totally weird flashback at this exact moment of what the warm sea breeze feels like, and the smell and feel of the air. moving in it. sitting in it. for a brief period in my life, i did sleep in a hammock every night for a month and a half while i was at The Sanctuary, and woke each morning to the sunrise, beathing flies off me. for a while there, i never thought about what would happen 2 minutes later, and never reflected on what passed 2 minutes prior. swinging in a hammock with an apple, a joint, watching the waves swish back and forth and back to me. i was bliss. that will happen again, and sometimes now i get tidbits of feeling that way. but the weight, the responsibility i feel is enormous.
last night i felt the first twinges of true terror. i allowed my mind to flow to thoughts of war gone out of control, life in san francisco merely a warzone. not being with my family. powerless and no longer "someone" with a place or function in society, but just an animal out for survival in a world gone mad. i haven't had thoughts like that since the three months following 9-11.
yesterday, coincidentally, was also the first time i'd read the whole newspaper in a long time. how scary it is what the media can put in our minds, and our hearts. i refuse to be the person who just sits scared, too paralyzed to move. i have dreams of another possibility for this world, a world based on love and kindness and recognition that your neighbor is truly your equal, actually yourself. a world and society based on non-duality.
i'm young. and i see this world and believe that it is possible because sometimes i am able to step into that place where all that exists are these truths. i was able to live in that place this summer on my travels so i know it is possible because i've had a taste of that reality. but i can't just sit in it and do nothing to manifest it in the rest of the world when the world is hurting so badly. if i do nothing, i am trapped. i feel so sad a lot of the time. and lately very angry. and scared. scared of myself and the thoughts i sometimes think. scared of how easy it is for me to be so utterly selfish and think only of myself and my problems. i keep creating problems for myself in my head. i solve one and i just create another. it's like a fucking circus in here, in my head. with some really fucked up characters looping around, making me laugh, making me gasp in fear, making me bored to tears at times because of the redundancy of the tricks i keep playing over and over on myself. if i don't get outside of myself and put my soul out there i will go mad. quite literally, actually.
i got a silly job and a bizarre place to live. i thought that once i got both those things safely tucked away and checked off my list, i'd feel good. but i wake up each day and do something totally pointless and dumb. i'm so hard on myself, but this giant clock ticking closer to the world's jumping off point to total insanity is weighing on me each morning. and i'm alone each night. so i'm scared, of being alone if it all goes to hell, of being just as confused as to why i'm here and what gift i'm supposed to grant to this world in need of healing. do i even have a gift, or is that really just some ploy to attribute meaning to what is really just another animal's prowl through another night on Earth? i thought i had so much figured out about life and joy and living the moment, and tonight i've never felt more trapped or lonely or, worst of all, pointless. i find myself slipping into dread, but instead i manage to exhale it out and get my self together and remind my way-too-chatty mind that negative thoughts beget a negative experience, so think positive and find meaning, even if it is just another attempt at brainwash. a far better form of brainwash, i should say. if i get deep enough into it, i can actually get some endorphins going and get a slight high off this "purpose" that floats through my mind, stirs my blood and conjures bodily reactions of warmth, excitement and alertness. a natural high. happiness. it truly is a state of mind. why do i have such a propensity for the dark thoughts and thus saddness? why do i experience these cycles? i really just shouldn't ask why so much. it's those kind of self-analysis questions that get the brooding thoughts going, and i really do prefer the positive ones. there is a choice.

so, the wind and the trees are playing again, laughing and chatting, nodding like drunks. it's quiet on the street tonight and the cats are upstairs asleep and i should be too. i hope tonight is one of those nights i can just sit like the breeze, neither here nor there, and just let the mind drift its thoughts like feathers so i can watch them fall, softly away to that dark nowhere where they somehow come from and always go to.

then i'll go to sleep and see you there.
i love you. k

December 20, 2002

Craziness of Mine

Given over, this Craziness of Mine, of Mind,
abandon rules and break down borders.

A constant pumping downing out the Chorus
and Diva keeping house in my head.

Stirred to stillness, blood races on the
techno train tracks
Kept Still,
seeing clear the greyseethroughveil between
Everything.

A soldier's breath in a princess body.

December 19, 2002

PAIN

The PAIN seizes,
all at once and sudden on my journey,
blocking my walks,
distorting my thoughts.
Why does it control me so, and I am
crippled, encumbered?
It hurts me and my gut
wracking me about
like the WINDS of my home -
VIOLENT
EMBRACING
DEVILISH
and gone...

August 20, 2002

Kacey

Kacey
merely a paint painting.
Unknown to me,
I fluctuate
find Ecstacy

Give me my name.
Throw it -

I see

There is no dark day.
Find me. Up there, I'm here.

I don't know what games you sing.
I'm all alone
One note. Symphony.
Flying bars and chords, La's and Lo's.
I'm finding my way back to me.

I know the way I want to be.
Just never seen it before.
Like the cliff I stand on top of
crying for her funeral

She has no where to go.
No where to be.
I long for her pink sweater,
A marker for who to be.

Peer down and I'm fucking
Naked.
Basking for a piece of love.
My mind screams songs.
Lyrics. Endless Lyrics.

Where is the here?
Where is the now?
Grasping for the freedom
I once inhaled.
Now it's all pot & weed,
and a There without end.

Wail weep. Mind shut fuckup.
How do I solve a problem
never known
never here
never there?

August 11, 2002

Ecstasy

Contigo, no fear. Conmiga, all love.
Touch me. Inside
Alone. Two. So
To light we go. Sing all
Along. It
Tingles
Up. My chest splits. Break - Through I
Go. Go. More. Oh Space_________
Zzzzzzzzzzzz. There it rises
Falls
Pulls
You in. I Throw Fly
Me!
Gone.

The Silent Spaces Between.

August 09, 2002

BEiNG tense

Skin off my lip
tear streaks down my face
Why can't I hold you?
I want you right here

Give me some room to breathe
I'm stifling, surrounded
by thoughts of you
aches and laughs and silent breaths

My sure step is still here
The voice that knows hasn't died
She's holding me from the inside
Keeping eyes open, inner ears alive

I scream to run away
Shouting at you
Angry at the fundamental truth
I can't escape, I can't deny -

I have no license to chain you,
to keep you intent on me.
To hold you captive by my fears
is to slowly kill what makes us free.

August 01, 2002

Blue BEiNg

hold me gently
tell me no barrier
came between
or around
or within

open throat, voice
crazy
craving
spilling the mass of
love
fear
animal wanting

blue stillness
around me
dripping off the
walls
through your eyes

aquamarine cool
seaday
today's journey with you

blue with a laugh
and a clitoral tickle

July 20, 2002

Back on BEiNg's Porch

Watermelon dripping
Foot slipping
on the balcony railing
watching the flies and their butter ladies
take over my island treat.

I was here once before
shoes off and dancing my head
off to the floor, standing on that railing,
gazing out at the lips and drools of this
blue sea.

And now?
No plan. No desire. No opinion.
Just this.
My watermelon, my moves and me.

August 01, 1999

Dreams - May 1, 1995

You were in my dream tonight. I know you have the power now.

You can walk into anyone's dream, make their night restless, make them think,
heart beat, pour sweat.

Not a nightmare, a dream.

No, you are not a nightmare. How could you be? Not with that mouth. That perfect mouth with that perfect laugh. One slightly turned tooth -
a perfect imperfection.
Wire-rimmed glasses. Embraceable body.
We went back to the circle tonight.
Laid down flat on our backs, grass tickling and itching our limbs and ears.
Quiet. Surrounded. The pink and orange hues of twilight in a perfect ring around us.
Us, in the center of the universe. The perfect ring grew narrow.
God's mouth slowly sucking us into his soul.

My perception. My perception. My perception.

You were empty.

Heart race, tingle rush, giddy head. Your fingers touched mine.
Arm hair prickles and stands on end.

Selfishness. I did not grasp your embraceable body. Lost you Lost you

You were empty.

Empty from feeling too much pain, sorrow. But I don't understand -
I didn't know.

And then you left.

Forget you in consciousness. Relive you in night's mind.
Your power hurts me. Makes my sweat pour, heart race.
Makes me remember.

You were empty.
I am empty.

You were here. I am here.
That mouth. Roses you never gave me.

You were in my nightmare tonight.